Phrased Out, Part One: "My Bad"

Words and Phrases That Need to Be Banned, Part One
AKA: No, I Don't Care If "That's Just What People Say Now"


"Oops. My bad."


Can anyone even tell me the origin of this phrase? Is this supposed to be baby-talk morphed into some kind of cutesy slang? Whatever it is, it's way played out. "Bad" is not a noun, and never will be, unless we're talking about the Michael Jackson album. "My bad" has the distinct feel of someone trying to downplay the severity of their screw-up while ostensibly owning up to it at the same time. "Oh, I screwed your best friend, honey? Sorry, MY BAD!" or "Oh, I let the radiation containment field down? And now you're dying a slow, horrible, excruciating, flesh-seared death? Sorry, MY BAD!"


AWWWWWW. How could we possibly be mad at this rascal when he uses such cutesy phrases like "My bad?" I say to hell with that. How about letting the AGGRIEVED party decide the severity of the offense and whether or not to whoop your ass? Stop trying to cushion the blow with wishy-washy, coy, watered-down language like "My bad." Stand up and face the consequences, even when YOU think the offense is a small one. Whatever happened to "Sorry, I made a mistake?" I know it's A LOT asking a nation of stunted adolescents to actually use honest-to-goodness fully formed sentences instead of grammatically incorrect baby talk, but I always was a pie-in-the-sky kind of guy. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.


Another perfectly agreeable option is "I f*cked up." Whatever happened to "I f*cked up?" Sure, it's a swear word, but it's a lot more direct and blunt and to the point than "My bad." Let me put it this way: If you were an innocent victim at the scene of a bank robbery, and you were caught trying to slip out the back door, do you think the bank robber would be more likely to spare your life if you said, "I f*cked up!!!! I f*cked up!!!!" or if you said, "Hey dude, MY BAD!!!!! COWABUNGA!" If you ask me, the latter choice is a road that can only lead to heartbreak and tears. More likely than not, the bank walls would get an impromptu crimson-red "extreme makeover."


And when they take the guy away in handcuffs, he can tell the cops, "Oops. My bad."


AWWWWWWWWW!