Monday, November 12, 2007

And Now a Message from Our Sponsors, Big Pharma, Inc.

A friendly health reminder from your friends at Big Pharma, Inc.:

Do you sometimes find yourself closing your eyes for a split second repeatedly throughout the day? Do you often find yourself mindlessly and without conscious knowledge quickly opening and closing your eyes, sometimes up to 10 or 12 times a minute? If you answered yes, then you may have "Repetitive Shutting Eyelid Disorder" or RSED. This excessive, intrusive, life-disabling affliction can make you feel "less than whole," "imperfect," or like a "completely useless bastard," and rightfully so.

RSED can rapidly eat away at your quality of life. You'll watch every last vestige of hope fade from view, seen through the flickering and fluttering filter of your diseased eyelids. Eventually, in its final stages, your eyes will be closing up to 16 times per minute. This final stage - known as "blinking" – can actively interfere with your ability to traipse around with your grandchildren or go kayaking in the mountains, just like all those other folks in the big pharma ads. There is no cure for Repetitive-shutting-eyelid-disorder, but there is hope. Hope that there never is a cure, that is. Our hope, mainly.

Now there's BLINKEX. In clinical trials performed at "Bill's Tests R Us" people who were given Blinkex for 2 months blinked 92% less than people who didn't take Blinkex. Of course, the former group had to sleep in the same room as a group of brutal serial killers who were trying out an experimental new medicine, and the second group of test subjects was already dead. Ask your doctor if Blinkex is right for you, because Blinkex is not right for everyone, especially those who like breathing and have a certain fondness for being alive.

Side effects may include: itchiness, sore throat, watery eyes, liver spots, spots on your liver, runny nose, head bursting into flames, dry cough, sudden desire to rent "Glitter", flaky rash, internal bleeding, bloody stools, watery stools, bloody watery stools, bloody watery stools that burst into flames, dizziness, headaches, hair loss, toxic shock syndrome, paralysis, voting Republican, itchy balls, listening to Nickelback, tiredness, confusion, and/or alien growing in belly and then bursting out six weeks later.

Also, Blinkex causes a hormonal change in the body which will cause most adult human males to release a mating pheromone which, for unknown reasons, attracts large full grown black bears and drives them wild with carnal lust. If there's a male black bear within 50 miles, and you're taking Blinkex, trust us, he'll find you. Further side effects of Blinkex include dry mouth. Oh, and horny bears hate dry mouth. Just a heads up. Side effects are mild in some patients, but not most. BLINKEX….. Because there's so much to see out there!

Warning: Some patients who take Blinkex for an extended period of time develop “Dried-out-eye-syndrome” (DOES) and need to take TEAR-EX, about 586 times a day to keep their eyes properly saturated. Ask your big name pharmaceutical company if Tear-ex is right for you. (What the hell, cut out the doctor... he's just our bitch anyway.)

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