Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Coffee Grinds, Part 3

* It's rumored that there is actually a man in Halifax, Nova Scotia, who DOESN'T like Sara Lee. However, sources say he died last week under "mysterious" circumstances involving 784 pounds of icing and a cake beater.

* It's official: There are now more FB "fan pages" (or "like" pages) than there are protons in the known universe. I think even "I like to mix my shampoo with water to get more out of the bottle" has a page. (I'm afraid to check.)

* Speaking of Facebook, I think we should have "like" and "dislike" buttons in real life. "Hi, would you like to go out with me?" DISLIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Hi, would you mind working a few extra hours tonight?" DISLIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* Here's a tip: Whenever you see excessive question marks in a youtube video title (e.g., "Hot chick makes out with my girlfriend??"), the answer is always a resounding "NO - she didn't."

* I was watching Paul McCartney playing at the White House on TV last night, and I was thinking that for every single song in the Beatles catalog, there's a band who built a whiole career out of imitating that ONE SONG.

* I'm like "The Situation" on "Jersey Shore" - from now on, I want to be called "The Predicament" because my feet are "the predicament." (Hell, it makes as much sense as naming yourself "The Situation" after your abs.)

* Do you think that when the guitarist playing on the "Law and Order Theme" plays the slinky, BEYOOOOON-BEEEEEHHHHHNNNN part that his face get all scrunched up and contorted - you know, the "blues" face?

* I cursed one candle rather than light the darkness.

* is one step away from coming to your house and begging you to log on to their site.

* I really think that Taco Bell should streamline things and just have you order based on what kind of bathroom experience you're going to have 6 hours after you eat. "Let's see - I'll have one 'porcelain roller coaster' ... and uh, let me have a '5-flusher Fiesta'... and, hmmmm. OH! I'll also take a side order of 'OH MY GOD, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' and let my wife have an 'Are you all right in there?' special. No, that'll be all... thanks!"

* Someone tell Jesus to stop eating all the damn Doritos. I don't care if he can heal the blind, they're my damn Doritos.