10 Types of Open Mic Performers You're Sure to Encounter

1. OVERPLAYED CLASSIC ROCK GUY - Sure, Neil Young, Bob Dylan, James Taylor and Van Morrison are legends. But enough is enough! You might think you've heard "Brown Eyed Girl" or "Carolina in My Mind" enough to last you 889 lifetimes and a few millennia into your final death, but this guy sure as hell doesn't think so - you need to hear them a few thousand more times! Who cares if there are literally thousands of well-known, phenomenal songs in the history of Western music? Let's break out "Ohio" or "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" one more time! Yes, when you hear those wailing, plaintive harmonica notes, you know yet another rendition of "Heart of Gold" is on the way, tempting you to dunk your face directly into your scalding-hot, overpriced coffee drink.

Performing Skill: 6 out of 10
Creativity: 2 out of 10
Crowd Approval: 8 out of 10


2. WAILING, JAZZY, SUNDRESS GIRL - Holy crap! This girl can really sing! This open-mic performer is blessed with an amazing set of pipes and, by god, she's not afraid to use 'em. Her pitch is dead on, and she effortlessly belts out standards like "At Last" and "Unforgettable" LOUD ENOUGH to blow down the back wall of the coffee house. She's humble and sweet and makes you want to slit your wrists for ever thinking you could warble your way through any song with more than a 3 whole-step range. You won't mind the loud singing, but you may not hear the oncoming traffic as you walk home later in the evening.

Performing Skill: 9 out of 10
Creativity: 6 out of 10
Crowd Approval: 10 out of 10


3. RAMBLING, QUITE POSSIBLY MENTALLY ILL GUY - This is the "musician" that gets up and "sings" three "songs" which are completely atonal - and not in an experimental avant-garde sort of way. In fact, the words sound more like someone reading the local paper's editorial section backwards. Come to think of it, there's a good chance that's what it is. This fellow is the single most powerful argument against the democracy of the open mic, but no one will say anything because, well, they're scared sh*tless.

Performing Skill: 10 out of 10 - in creeping people out
Creativity: Maroon out of Chimpanzee
Crowd Approval: N/A - More like abject terror mixed with a singular desire to avoid eye contact.



4. THE BAD CHECKS - Three self-involved musicians and/or singers (x, y, and z) who arrive together and, by going up individually AND in every possible combination (x plays guitar while y sings; y and z both sing with no x; all three go up together, etc. etc.), manage to keep coming back, thereby turning the three-song-per-artist limit into a four-hour (albeit spread-out) Springsteen-final-night-at-the-Garden-length extravaganza.


Performing Skill: 5 out of 10 - but only when you add the three together.
Creativity: 3 out of 10
Crowd Approval: 7 for the first set, plummets to 2 by the time they hit the stage for the 6th or 7th time.


5. AMERICAN IDOL WANNA-BE - Her friends told her she should be on Idol! Her mom told her she should be on Idol! Her teachers told her she should be on Idol! There's only one small problem: She sucks. And you're the only one who knows it, so you get to listen to her bleating "Jesus Take the Wheel" heinously off-key to a grand total of 8 people (three who are her relatives).

Performing Skill: 1 out of 10
Creativity: Negative 8 out of 10
Ego: 578 out of 10
Crowd Approval: 7 out of 10, except for you


6. DEADHEAD OUT-OF-TIME - He's a young man of only 17, decked out in flip-flops, cargo shorts and a tie-dyed t-shirt. He sports trendy, barely-there facial hair, smells vaguely like oregano, and while he does enjoy more recent jam-band Phish, his heart truly belongs to the Dead. How this is possible, no one knows, considering the band passed their artistic zenith almost 25 years before he was born, but there he is, trotting out such chestnuts as "Casey Jones," "Ripple" and "Uncle John's Band." No "Shakedown Street," though.

Performing Skill: That's not what it's ABOUT, MANNNN
Creativity: Depends on what sort of a night he's having
Crowd Approval: 10 if they had some, er, "oregano" earlier that evening. 4 if not.


7. THE POET - Ah, yes, we DO all try to indulge the poet, don't we? Haha! That cute little limerick about coffee was sort of cute, but uh oh, now he's doing his magnum opus... oh no... he's got reams and reams of pages... how long does this thing go on? Are we going on 10 minutes for one poem here? Is this supposed to be profound? I guess that part was important, he just used a really bad curse word... oh, there it is again. Maybe it's the name of the poem. Sigh. What's all this stuff about birds in maple syrup? Man, I really need to read more poetry... maybe I'd appreciate this stuff more...people are laughing, I guess THEY get it. Damn it!


Performing Skill: 7 out of 10
Creativity: 8 out of 10
Crowd Approval: 8 out of 10, because we don't want to look like idiots


8. MEGA-MONSTER-EXTENDED -VERSION GUY: Closely related to The Bad Checks (See #4), this is the cat who was told there's a "three song limit." (as opposed to a time limit) so he's going to turn every song into "Inna Gada Davida," even if it kills him and you. Sure you'll be sitting there thinking, "I could have sworn `Take It Easy" only has 3 verses, not 27," but that's your tough luck.

Performing Skill: 5 out of 10
Creativity: 2 out of 10
Crowd Approval: They're usually on the verge of rioting by verse 22


9. INSTRUMENTAL GUY - With rapturous intensity and a nuanced touch, he executes beautifully sculpted and tender lead lines on his classical guitar, breathing new life into vintage melodies. With each delicate note, some say it's as if this virtuoso is channeling the gods of music themselves. In other words, bathroom break.

Performing Skill: Off the charts
Creativity: 10 out of 10
Crowd Approval:  6 out of 10, the philistines


10. THE SENSITIVE SOUL - He trots out every top 40 love song (or quasi-love song) from the last 10 years - stuff like "You're Beautiful", "Your Body Is a Wonderland", and "Apologize." If things get really rough, he'll whip out a "She Will Be Loved." Anything with the wavering, aching falsetto in the chorus will do, really. As long as it gets him laid.

Performing Skill: 9 out of 10
Creativity: 1 out of 10
Crowd Approval: 10 out of 10 (women) 0 out of 10 (men)


Photo by: Brian Richardson

Review: April Smith and the Great Picture Show, “Live from the Penthouse” (April Smith Music)

Let me preface this review by mentioning I just finished reading “Why We Hate Us” by Dick Meyer. Meyer’s objective is to detail the various reasons Americans seem to be mired in a culture of self-loathing, isolation, and detachment. His main culprits are the usual suspects: media, the breakdown of communities, government betrayal, intellectual trends like relativism and postmodernism, the “me” decade, consumerism, materialism, vanity, and suburban sprawl. The book is rather lightweight, but it’s a brisk, entertaining read.


What does any of this have to do with April Smith though? Well, two of the qualities Meyer extols in his book are authenticity and the pursuit of excellence. He argues that years of exposure to hipster irony and “phony” people (who are either too afraid or too jaded to commit to anything), has created a widespread thirst for authenticity and excellence. Simply put, people are tired of the attitude that it’s “not cool to care about anything.” It’s not that people need to be super-serious or crave constant earnestness; they just want to hear something “real” which has the guts to say what it feels and truly aspires to greatness.


I’m here to tell you that April Smith’s music is the real deal, folks.


On “Live from the Penthouse,” April and her bandmates are not afraid to embrace trends and styles from earlier in the 20th century (most of the tunes on “LFTP” have a vaguely 30’s and 40’s jazz or blues vibe about them) but – and here’s the amazing part – there is not a single “wink wink, nudge nudge” moment on the whole disc. That is, the retro stylings are merely incorporated into the seamless fabric of the music. There is no attempt by Smith or her cronies to distance themselves from what they are doing by using quotes or acting like it’s all a clever put-on.


Similarly, they don’t carry on (at least not audibly) like jazz-o-philes who intend to slay us with their killer chops and reverent recreation of a bygone era, nor do they want to force “important music” on us, or anything cloying like that. The music simply is what it is, no more and no less. And the music on this disc is damn good enough to stand on its own merits without additional layers of subtext. Ironically, this approach makes “Live from the Penthouse” sound less dated than some CD’s that came out last week: Smith’s sound is both timeless AND cutting edge.


If you doubt me, throw this disc into your player and cue up “Beloved,” a piano-backed torch song on which Ms. Smith professes her devotion to a recently deceased lover, telling him she’ll “gladly settle” for his ghost if she can’t “have the real thing.” Sounds goofy right? On paper it probably IS goofy to anyone who hasn’t seen “The Notebook” 16 times (including twice on opening night). But I’ll be DAMNED if Smith and her band SELL this song.


“Beloved” is very tastefully done, never going over the top or trying to force emotion out of the listener. Smith’s voice – tender, aching AND powerful throughout – ascends to the highest notes of her register like she’s literally trying to reach into the ether and pull her lost lover back to earth. In fact, “Beloved” is one of those songs that’s SO intense in the raw emotion being conveyed that I found it nearly uncomfortable to listen to. And yeah, that’s a compliment, folks.


Most singers/musicians/songwriters could never pull off a song like “Beloved.” Given the basic premise, they’d probably opt for maudlin bombast or possibly clever self-awareness and still come off badly. April Smith inhabits every note of the song without fear, imbuing each word with just the right amount of passion and emotional nuance. It’s the kind of performance that stems from excellence, and the kind of artistic bravery borne of authenticity. Yes, “Beloved” is just a song, but it’s a damn great song, and April Smith accords her composition the respect it deserves.


However, lest you think “Live from the Penthouse” is all moody paeans to ghost lovers in the sky, let me assure you there are quite a few jaunty numbers here as well, like the playful “Wow and Flutter” and the sea-shanty-ish sing-along “Colors.” The latter boasts an ebullient kazoo solo (!) and casts April Smith in the role of modern-day, morale-boosting Andrew Sister. It is quite refreshing to hear, in 2009 no less, someone who writes a (non-ironic) song dedicated to U.S. troops while at the same time eschewing mawkish sentimentality and/or bitter, protesting lyrics.


That is not to say Ms. Smith doesn’t have a political viewpoint – I think it’s safe to assume she does – but any politics one might glean from a track like “Colors” are made all the more potent by Smith’s artistic decision to take the high road and “play it straight.” Imagine if such a song were written and performed by, say, Nellie McKay. Do you honestly think McKay could resist the temptation to throw in a couple of lines about the horrors of war (as if we don’t already know them), or knowingly wink at the audience while she delivers her “faithful ode”? I could be wrong, but my guess is no. Smith gives herself, and her audience, much more credit than that.


It’s also important to note that while Smith does play characters in her songs, she never lapses into caricature or sounds affected. While there are some sultry tones here and there, Smith never resorts to pussycat growls or high-pitched “Betty Boop” vocals (for example) in a dubious attempt to sound sexy or to “send up” someone’s antiquated idea of female sexuality. Instead, Smith simply uses her god-given vocal prowess to sing the living hell out of everything she writes.


The vocals on LFTP are so good, in fact, that one hopes Smith’s vocal chops don’t one day end up overshadowing her formidable songwriting skill. I say this because some of Smith’s tunes are so well-crafted they damn-near qualify for “standard” status. (“Bright White Jackets” from her debut CD is a prime example.) You might think that’s hyperbole, but pound for pound, ounce for ounce, there is no discernible difference in quality between some of Smith’s tunes and many of the “timeless classics” I’ve heard over the years. Am I an uncultured slob, or is April Smith just THAT good? Maybe both.


Yeah, April Smith and the Great Picture Show are the real deal folks. And much like obscenity, I may not be able to fully define “real,” but I know it when I hear it. “Live from the Penthouse” is so good, it’s obscene.


**** (4 out of 5 stars)

The Death of Music, Part 5: No One Likes "All Kinds of Music."

Hey there music mourners! Put away your tear-stained hankies, ‘cause it’s time for yet another installment in our bile-filled series devoted to the never-ending public execution of music. Which makes me wonder, couldn’t we just get this over with already? I mean, why don’t we just grab music from behind, strangle it with an iPod cord, and bash it over the head repeatedly with the latest Fall Out Boy CD until its lights are snuffed out for good?


Do we really have to keep protracting this grisly murder with near-fatal blows (and new releases) by Madonna, Weezer, Mariah Carey, The Raconteurs, White Snake, The Rolling Stones, Ashlee Simpson, Louis XIV and many others? Do we need to stand by helplessly as yet another musical “savior” shows up, trots out some semi-competent but derivative melodies, and then promptly slips into obscurity within a year or two? (By the way, this week’s semi-competent contenders are Vampire Weekend, with their English Beat/Joe Stummer-ish rock/Caribbean sound. And if you’re sitting there thinking “Vampire Weekend is so 2007!” then that just kind of proves the point, doesn’t it?)


Sadly, it looks like we enjoy torturing music’s once-vital and robust form way too much, so music won’t be COMPLETELY dying off anytime in the foreseeable future. With that in mind, I’d like to offer a little friendly advice in case you ever find yourself in the awkward position of actually having to DISCUSS the damn stuff.


If anyone ever asks you, “What kind of music do you like?” Never, EVER answer (with a playful toss of your bountiful locks) “Oh, I like ALL KINDS of music!!!” unless you want to immediately slay a conversation deader than the buzz surrounding the Arctic Monkeys. In fact, it is better to profess your undying devotion to the complete works of L.A. Guns before you utter something as mindlessly tiresome as “I like all kinds of music!”


Why? Well, first of all, nine billion out of nine billion-and-six times it’s patently not true. A lot of people think their musical proclivities are the metaphorical equivalent of a Save the Children necktie just because they groove around to both the White Stripes AND Led Zeppelin on their iPod shuffle. Either that or they view themselves as “audiophiles” because they have the audacity to listen to melodic, whispery rockers like Snow Patrol back-to-back with anthemic, blow-hard rockers like U2. You heard right; not even a Travis cut between them to buffer the blow. Holy god, I almost had a massive coronary just contemplating the chocolate-in-peanut-butter-lunacy of it all.


In truth, there is an infinite number of styles and sub-genres of music on this planet and Western pop music only comprises a tiny fraction of that music. The music that is aggressively marketed and made available to most Westerners is an even smaller amount, as you are no doubt marginally aware. So when someone says, “I like all kinds of music,” he usually means all the music currently in “hot” rotation on his favorite radio station.


Unless you actually ARE getting down to French film scores in the evening, atonal 20th century classical in the morning, free-form jazz in the afternoon and meringue dance mixes on the weekend, it’s better to just admit your unhealthy fondness for bleating Diane Warren-ish pop ballads or tepid southern-rock-boogie and be done with it.


Which brings me to the second reason you should never say “I like all kinds of music!” In my experience, there is nothing more dish-water dull than a person who can’t get fired up about one type of music, at least once in a while. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with EXPOSING yourself to many styles of music - in fact, I highly recommend that you do - but if you’ve never been moved enough to feel “loyalty” for one type of music, then I believe you’ve never fully experienced the power of music.


While there ARE definitely people who can glean profound meaning from a myriad of musical forms, I believe these true musical connoisseurs (and I am not one of them) are few and far between. More often than not, the people who listen to a large variety of music and then profess to dig “all kinds of music” are really pretentious Paste-subscribing poseurs who want to impress people with their mind-blowing cultural acumen. Their listening may be wide and varied, but their “hearing” tends to be cursory and superficial. Sorry, not impressed.


Similarly, I have a hard time taking seriously any band that lists more than 600 other bands as major influences on their sound. Are they really that non-discriminating? Because I have a hard time believing ANYONE could be that diverse, or immerse themselves fully in that many bands without losing something along the way.


For god’s sake, man! If you’re listening to THAT much music (and you’d have to have it wired into your head while you sleep, if you believe these guys) you should be riled up enough to single out SOMETHING!!! Does nothing jangle your ganglia or make your limbic system want to do the limbo? There’s no style, genre, or artist that makes you want to profess your undying allegiance from the highest mountain top? No? Then you, my friend, have never really been moved by music.


So, let’s review: On the one hand, it’s not a good idea to say you like “all kinds of music” when Clear Channel’s hot AC consultant has your musical knowledge in a triple-head lock, or you own exactly 3 CD’s, and at least one of them is “The Eagles’ Greatest Hits.” On the other hand, it’s a sad state of affairs when you seek out every obscure beat ever committed to digital media and then claim to love them all because you can’t FULLY appreciate any of them, or you don’t want to risk looking like a musical philistine.


Take a stand! Have a viewpoint! Feel the passion! Don’t be a poseur! When someone asks you what kind of music you like, don’t just toss out some nebulous non-committal non-answer. Instead, have a thoughtful response ready to go. Trust me, if you’re trying to flirt with someone you just met, he or she will respect you more if you express your opinions and stick to your guns.


Yes, even if they’re L.A. Guns.