AKA: I'm Taking Sexy Back.
This week, in our ongoing series about words that need to be excised from common parlance, we examine the word "sexy." Now, don't go spilling your fat-free mocha-chinos all over your laptops, I'm NOT talking about "sexy" as in the Victoria's Secret ad "What is sexy?" although something tells me that's less of a question than it is a command.
No, what I'm speaking of are the corporate tools and other dunderheads-at-large who insist on using "sexy" to refer to things that are about as far removed from actual sex as a pack of fanboys arguing over the recent decision to change Clea's costume from purple to off-purple in the upcoming big-screen adaptation of "Dr. Strange."
At some point, someone decided that "sexy" could be used metaphorically to describe ANYTHNG viewed as "new, alluring, exciting or scintillating," especially in the realm of business. It doesn't even matter if the subject in question is diametrically opposed to sex, like a picture of Donald Trump doing the frug in a polka-dot speedo. If there is something frighteningly boring, corporate, or unsexy, you can be certain some creatively-bankrupt drone will plaster the label "sexy" on it to in effort to artificially induce excitement.
As a result, the following items (and many more) have become "sexy" under this terrifying new worldview: spread sheets, computer software, casserole dishes, toenail fungus cream, toxic waste dumps, stocks and bonds, bathroom porcelain, Taco Bell coupons, slide projector transparencies, mp3 technology, Kenny G, cheese doodles, office buildings, Hong Kong Phooey toilet brushes (ok, maybe that last one IS a little bit sexy), and just about anything else you can think of. As a result, the word has lost all meaning, vitality and potency. It could probably use a little Viagra itself.*
Like most of the words we examine here, "sexy," as applied to the business-world,was probably pretty clever and novel the first few times it was used in a non-traditional sense. For example, "We are unveiling a sexy new business model this week" probably sounded pretty good the first 9,547,648 times it was said. It also makes sense at a deeper level, if you figure about 98 percent of the time media and big businesses are trying to exploit our baser impulses in a continuing effort to fuel the engine of consumerism.
Consumerism and sex are so deeply intertwined in this country I suppose it was only a matter of time before they were completely fused in everyday language. After all, it's only a hop, skip and a hump from dubbing a sheet of paper in a magazine "sexy" to calling a deep dish pizza or a 4th quarter sales graph the same thing. (By extension, a pie chart, which conceptually combines both pizza AND graphs, is probably about the sexiest damn thing there out there. I often find myself in need a cold shower after reading USA TODAY'S breakdown of where we're buying our odor-eaters this week.)
But I digress. Most of these stooges aren't saying "sexy" because of some deeper symbolic intertwining of sexuality, consumerism and commerce. No, in all likelihood they're merely parroting someone else with more birdseed and brighter plumage who they heard squawking the same empty adjective while hovering around the corporate birdbath. True to their nature, these scavengers couldn't resist the urge to pluck the semi-digested linguistic morsel from the larger bird's mouth and roll it around on their own tongues for awhile. Mind you, half the flavor had already been sucked out, but hey, no one ever accused these birds of having discerning palettes.
The bottom line is this: Despite what you're being told, flow charts aren't sexy. Frozen, imitation bison cutlets aren't sexy. Your local paper's obituary column isn't sexy. Heidi Klum wearing a French maid costume at the breakfast table and arguing with a bikini-clad Jessica Alba over who gets the last of the waffles before settling their differences with a good old-fashioned boysenberry syrup fight isn't sexy. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention on that last one.**
There's nothing wrong with trying to spice up everyday language with words that don't normally apply in a given context. However, when it's done repeatedly and with little thought, words like "sexy" quickly devolve into cliches and meaningless job-speak with little impact on anyone. Let's stop neutering words like "sexy" by using them indiscriminately to prop up our flaccid conversations. I think it's time to leave "sexy" where it belongs, at the NiteOwlz All Night Waffle House.
Oh, and one more thing: I'm glad Justin Timberlake has been single-handedly "bringing sexy back" given the relative dearth of sexually-oriented material in the media. How refreshing!
Footnotes:
* I'd also like to stress here that I'm NOT talking about infusing typically non-sexual things WITH sexuality, like painting erotic art on the side of a toaster, or running toaster ads with lingerie models in them. I am specifically objecting to people who think the toaster's extra heat setting qualifies as a "SEXY!" new feature. Well, it's not sexy unless you're intimately involved with your toaster, I suppose. For most of us non-toaster-philes, it's just another setting for us to accidentally burn our toast.
** I am aware that "Heidi/Jessica" is a gender-centric example. If I had tried to make a universal example, or presented an "or" scenario featuring Brad Pitt and Jude Law, I would have seriously diminished the comedic effect of the passage. SO THERE!
Showing posts with label banned phrases. Show all posts
Showing posts with label banned phrases. Show all posts
Monday, December 10, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Phrased Out, Part 2: "Think Outside the Box"
Words and Phrases That Need to Be Banned, Part 2: "Think Outside the Box"
-OR- Creativity in Corporate America: Where We Are
There was a time when "Think outside the box" PROBABLY meant something. It meant something like "Try creative or unorthodox solutions." Regrettably, that was a long, LONG time ago in a dreamy, fog-enshrouded past where you could still buy lemonade in a dirty glass for a penny and spend all day at the local swimming hole without fear of being abducted by evil clowns hiding in the sewers. Like all things associated with true creativity, the UNCREATIVE masses (including roughly 95 percent of the corporate world) pounced upon this phrase like slavering fanboys descending on the latest variant edition of "Spider-Man Gets a Hangnail, Part 19."
After blithely appropriating it, these mindless twits then proceeded to twist the phrase for their own nefarious ends and rendered it inert. "Think outside the box" now roughly translates to: "Please think really, REALLY hard about how we can get more work done in less time, while paying you even less money, because I'm an overpaid corporate doofus who can't be bothered coming up with new ways to screw you over anymore, and I need you to do it for me." This is accompanied by the unspoken caveat that if you actually DO come up with a way to accomplish this self-defeating goal, said doofus will take full credit for it and be praised by HIS superiors for successfully "thinking outside the box."
Similarly, if you actually DO have a genuine creative breakthrough (as opposed to just coming up with a method for elevating your superiors while maximizing profit and marginalizing yourself), it is a given that you will be patronized or humored, while your idea is smacked down and ultimately passed over. Naturally, 5 years later, some savvy upstart company will make a million dollars when they accidentally stumble upon and implement the very same idea.
At that moment, your company will suddenly leap into action and come crashing through the metaphorical skylight like Adam West and Burt Ward trying to get the drop on King Tut. They will become frantic dynamos of action, flailing limbs in every direction as they desperately try to duplicate the lightning-in-a-bottle success of their competitor. If they DO manage to successfully mimic the winning formula, you will receive none of the credit, while the people you gave your idea to will be hoisted in the air, hailed as conquering heroes, and rewarded with the kinds of sexual favors you didn't think people REALLY did, but only made up funny names for.
The sad truth is, I've never met a creative person who says, "Think outside the box." It's time to ban this phrase. It's been perverted, and the people who use it don't really mean it anyway.
-OR- Creativity in Corporate America: Where We Are
There was a time when "Think outside the box" PROBABLY meant something. It meant something like "Try creative or unorthodox solutions." Regrettably, that was a long, LONG time ago in a dreamy, fog-enshrouded past where you could still buy lemonade in a dirty glass for a penny and spend all day at the local swimming hole without fear of being abducted by evil clowns hiding in the sewers. Like all things associated with true creativity, the UNCREATIVE masses (including roughly 95 percent of the corporate world) pounced upon this phrase like slavering fanboys descending on the latest variant edition of "Spider-Man Gets a Hangnail, Part 19."
After blithely appropriating it, these mindless twits then proceeded to twist the phrase for their own nefarious ends and rendered it inert. "Think outside the box" now roughly translates to: "Please think really, REALLY hard about how we can get more work done in less time, while paying you even less money, because I'm an overpaid corporate doofus who can't be bothered coming up with new ways to screw you over anymore, and I need you to do it for me." This is accompanied by the unspoken caveat that if you actually DO come up with a way to accomplish this self-defeating goal, said doofus will take full credit for it and be praised by HIS superiors for successfully "thinking outside the box."
Similarly, if you actually DO have a genuine creative breakthrough (as opposed to just coming up with a method for elevating your superiors while maximizing profit and marginalizing yourself), it is a given that you will be patronized or humored, while your idea is smacked down and ultimately passed over. Naturally, 5 years later, some savvy upstart company will make a million dollars when they accidentally stumble upon and implement the very same idea.
At that moment, your company will suddenly leap into action and come crashing through the metaphorical skylight like Adam West and Burt Ward trying to get the drop on King Tut. They will become frantic dynamos of action, flailing limbs in every direction as they desperately try to duplicate the lightning-in-a-bottle success of their competitor. If they DO manage to successfully mimic the winning formula, you will receive none of the credit, while the people you gave your idea to will be hoisted in the air, hailed as conquering heroes, and rewarded with the kinds of sexual favors you didn't think people REALLY did, but only made up funny names for.
The sad truth is, I've never met a creative person who says, "Think outside the box." It's time to ban this phrase. It's been perverted, and the people who use it don't really mean it anyway.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Phrased Out, Part One: "My Bad"
Words and Phrases That Need to Be Banned, Part One
AKA: No, I Don't Care If "That's Just What People Say Now"
"Oops. My bad."
Can anyone even tell me the origin of this phrase? Is this supposed to be baby-talk morphed into some kind of cutesy slang? Whatever it is, it's way played out. "Bad" is not a noun, and never will be, unless we're talking about the Michael Jackson album. "My bad" has the distinct feel of someone trying to downplay the severity of their screw-up while ostensibly owning up to it at the same time. "Oh, I screwed your best friend, honey? Sorry, MY BAD!" or "Oh, I let the radiation containment field down? And now you're dying a slow, horrible, excruciating, flesh-seared death? Sorry, MY BAD!"
AWWWWWW. How could we possibly be mad at this rascal when he uses such cutesy phrases like "My bad?" I say to hell with that. How about letting the AGGRIEVED party decide the severity of the offense and whether or not to whoop your ass? Stop trying to cushion the blow with wishy-washy, coy, watered-down language like "My bad." Stand up and face the consequences, even when YOU think the offense is a small one. Whatever happened to "Sorry, I made a mistake?" I know it's A LOT asking a nation of stunted adolescents to actually use honest-to-goodness fully formed sentences instead of grammatically incorrect baby talk, but I always was a pie-in-the-sky kind of guy. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Another perfectly agreeable option is "I f*cked up." Whatever happened to "I f*cked up?" Sure, it's a swear word, but it's a lot more direct and blunt and to the point than "My bad." Let me put it this way: If you were an innocent victim at the scene of a bank robbery, and you were caught trying to slip out the back door, do you think the bank robber would be more likely to spare your life if you said, "I f*cked up!!!! I f*cked up!!!!" or if you said, "Hey dude, MY BAD!!!!! COWABUNGA!" If you ask me, the latter choice is a road that can only lead to heartbreak and tears. More likely than not, the bank walls would get an impromptu crimson-red "extreme makeover."
And when they take the guy away in handcuffs, he can tell the cops, "Oops. My bad."
AWWWWWWWWW!
AKA: No, I Don't Care If "That's Just What People Say Now"
"Oops. My bad."
Can anyone even tell me the origin of this phrase? Is this supposed to be baby-talk morphed into some kind of cutesy slang? Whatever it is, it's way played out. "Bad" is not a noun, and never will be, unless we're talking about the Michael Jackson album. "My bad" has the distinct feel of someone trying to downplay the severity of their screw-up while ostensibly owning up to it at the same time. "Oh, I screwed your best friend, honey? Sorry, MY BAD!" or "Oh, I let the radiation containment field down? And now you're dying a slow, horrible, excruciating, flesh-seared death? Sorry, MY BAD!"
AWWWWWW. How could we possibly be mad at this rascal when he uses such cutesy phrases like "My bad?" I say to hell with that. How about letting the AGGRIEVED party decide the severity of the offense and whether or not to whoop your ass? Stop trying to cushion the blow with wishy-washy, coy, watered-down language like "My bad." Stand up and face the consequences, even when YOU think the offense is a small one. Whatever happened to "Sorry, I made a mistake?" I know it's A LOT asking a nation of stunted adolescents to actually use honest-to-goodness fully formed sentences instead of grammatically incorrect baby talk, but I always was a pie-in-the-sky kind of guy. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Another perfectly agreeable option is "I f*cked up." Whatever happened to "I f*cked up?" Sure, it's a swear word, but it's a lot more direct and blunt and to the point than "My bad." Let me put it this way: If you were an innocent victim at the scene of a bank robbery, and you were caught trying to slip out the back door, do you think the bank robber would be more likely to spare your life if you said, "I f*cked up!!!! I f*cked up!!!!" or if you said, "Hey dude, MY BAD!!!!! COWABUNGA!" If you ask me, the latter choice is a road that can only lead to heartbreak and tears. More likely than not, the bank walls would get an impromptu crimson-red "extreme makeover."
And when they take the guy away in handcuffs, he can tell the cops, "Oops. My bad."
AWWWWWWWWW!
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