Coffee Grinds #7: Gingerbread-Peppermint-Eggnog Twist Flavored Grinds - YUM!

Some seasonal scrapings from the burnt bottom of our coffee pots. Enjoy!


• Please, please stop trying to give old Christmas carols "hip" and "cutting edge" arrangements. I'm not a  purist, it just sounds like crap and never works.

• I'm really tired of indie bands all trying to look like lumberjacks. DUDE. You play a mandolin and you sing about tea cups. You're NOT a lumberjack.

• Q: What' determines if a song is considered "dated" or "definitely of its time"?
  A: Whether the person you ask likes the song.

• Definition of frustration: When you go to buy a personalized keychain or mug, and they have every name under the sun, even the oddball ones, but they don't have yours. "What? They have Glenniford and Glenncort but they don't have Glenn??? What the HELL!"

• Most people believe their intelligence is "above average," which is a statistical impossibility. Also, smart elitists annoy me because I keep thinking that, metaphorically speaking, even the smartest ant on the anthill is still pretty freakin' stupid.

• Last night, my seat on the bus was broken and wouldn't recline, so I asked the bus driver to "pop-a-wheelie" the whole way home.

• Never listen to mean-spirited critics. Most of them have no vision to speak of, and since they can't see yours, they only want to tear it down.

• Dear TV and internet: Please stop asking for my "comments" or "feedback" and acting like you care what I think just because some marketing guru told you that you need to be more "interactive" in the era of social networking. You don't care what we think; I don't care what I think; and I CERTAINLY don't care what Joe Blow down the street thinks.

• Definition of irony: Michele Bachman said she wanted to return "character" to the White House. When asked twice (TWICE!) if she meant to suggest that President Obama lacks character she dodged the question while basically insisting she's a straight shooter of character who "says what she means." Okay, so if you're such a straight shooter who "says what she means" why the hell doesn't she ANSWER THE QUESTION?

• Which reminds me, candidates constantly saying that "people are sick of politics as usual" IS politics as usual.

• 2012 is almost here. Hey Def Leppard! That "Armageddon It" song ain't SO FUNNY NOW is it? IS IT?!?!?!?

Grinds, #1: The Transparent Bid to Boost Sales with a Pointless Reboot and a Snappier, Shorter, "Cooler" Name

* I want a car that's shaped like a blue triangle - so it'll match the little pointer thing on my GPS.


* Speaking of the GPS, when it hasn't been updated and it doesn't know there's a road where I'm driving, I like to look at the little arrow spinning around on a black screen and pretend I'm either (a) 4-wheeling though the woods while campers scream and run for their lives, or (b) on a lost spaceship travelling through the negative zone where there are no stars for millions of light years.


* Newsflash: After issuing a statement that this month's cover photo of Michele Bachmann is not unflattering, Newsweek released a sneak preview of next week's cover, which seems to feature an ailing Alan Greenspan. Oops, sorry, it's Heidi Klum.


* I'm glad that no one has those "baby on board" signs in their car windows anymore. Now I can slam into people with gleeful abandon safe in the knowledge that no infants will be harmed.


* You know things are getting out of hand when Woody Allen movies start getting released in Imax 3-D.


* My plan as a musician is not to create anything meaningful or lasting or important; my plan is that 25 years from now a sudden surge of random nostalgia will kick in and everyone will think I'm alot better than I am, just because they heard me while out on their first date or the first time they made french toast or something. THEN I'll cash in on the never-ending parade of boxsets and deluxe remasters!


* I'm angry, because the salesman SAID he was selling me the whole kit and kaboodle, but when I got home I discovered it was only the whole sha-bang. At least it wasn't the whole 9 yards, then I would have been really mad. Especially since I was buying rulers.


* Saw a commercial this morning in which 2 cheerleaders (via bad special effects) literally catapult a third cheerleader over an orbiting space shuttle! A tiny disclaimer at the bottom said - I'm not lying - "Do not attempt." Thank god they stopped me. ‎"I think we can make it this time guys... if we try just a LITTLE HARDER... here we GO... HUMMMMMMMMMMMMPH!!!!! Ah, damn. Still a few million miles short."


* Here's a game I never understood: Flashlight tag. How do you win? I don't think Carl Lewis in his prime could have done it. "HA HA! I GOTCHA!" "Aw, sh*t! I couldn't outrun a beam of light... I suck!"

Coffee Grinds Part 5: A New Beginning (More Random Gunk Scraped from Our Coffee Pots)

* My idea for a detective show: A mother who has a hit cooking program and her chef daughter who runs a restaurant get involved in murder cases and decide to open a detective agency on the side - It's called "Hard Boiled." (as in "hard boiled detectives.") Okay, it's not the best.


* Aren't you tired of people walking around at work with (just) t-shirts, shorts, sneakers and no socks? Okay, I dress "casual," but there's a difference between "casual" and DRESSED LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO A GODDAMN PHISH CONCERT.


* If someone at Nick Jr. or Cartoon Network or Disney isn't developing an animated series called "Baby Gaga - The Young Adventures of Lady Gaga" then someone's not doing their job.


* I just traversed the fabled "Perilous Gauntlet of Trying to Avoid Eye Contact with Strangers" - otherwise known as the excessively narrow hallways at work.


* ‎THE PERFECT SONG: After years of research - across hundreds of cultures and social strata - a top team of MRI specialists, biologists, neurologists, psychologists and physiologists have scientifically proven that the human brain recognizes one series of pitches as the perfect melody - and it belongs to "Tarzan Boy" by Baltimora. After announcing their findings, they killed themselves in a mass suicide pact.


* Modern-Day Afflictions, #478 - Acute Green-Recyclo-Complex:- The paralyzing fear that someone will spot you putting your empty carton of apple juice in the wrong recycling bin because you can't figure out which of 46 garbage cans is the right one to put it in to, or, even worse, that they'll spot you giving up and running into the bathroom where the cannisters have no marking for recycling.


* Here's an argument that never seems to persuade me: "Well, they said the same thing when we were kids, and LOOK AT ME, I turned out FINE!!!"


* Which do you suppose is ugliest: a face that could stop a clock, a face made for radio, or a face only a mother could love?


* 311th Law of Pop Music, sub-dictum k: Approximately 47.6 percent of all pop songs you hear and immediately go, "GOD! This song SUCKS!!!" are the same songs that, in three weeks time, you will be telling anyone who'll listen, "You KNOW, this song has REALLY grown on ME!" as you play drums on your steering wheel and crank it loud enough to render people deaf three counties away.


* Just think - 5 years ago, before I had a facebook account, I would have had to make it through the entire day WITHOUT knowing what that guy I worked with at Pizza Hut for three weeks in 1986 is having for lunch today. I shudder just thinking about it...


* Actually, THIS is the alternate universe.

Coffee Grinds, Part IV (In Which We Fight the Russian Coffee in a Taste Challenge)

Another generous serving of random gunk scraped from the bottom of our ever-brewin' coffee pots!

* Things that Puzzle Me, #237: The filmmakers who think a dubious pedigree will entice me to rent their latest lame movie... "From the Co-Producers of 'Furry Vengeance' and one of the writers of "Sorority Boys 2" comes... TOTAL S**TFEST!!!!" Yeah, I'm all over that.

* There will never be a "next Beatles" (or Michael Jackson, or Elvis, or whoever) until people realize the "next Beatles" wouldn't sound LIKE the Beatles.

* I love the pitter patter of the rain on the windows... It means the neighbors won't hear me stealing stuff from their toolshed.

* If we were all brains in jars, people would start worrying who had the biggest, shiniest jar and wondering if they could have work done on their saggy frontal lobe.

* I'm sorry, but this is is what we'll be doing for the time being. I always do things for the Time Being, because I'm afraid he'll cast us back into ancient Rome where we'd have to fight to the death like gladiators or something.

* I was thinking today how awesome it would be if obituaries were honest: "Marty Shnookmeyer died today. He was a real a-hole and most people won't miss him. And he owes me 50 bucks."

* You know you're old when you go to complain how bad music is "nowadays" and you single out bands that hasn't even been considered "nowadays" since like 2004, at the latest. "GOD, THESE KIDS WITH THEIR... THEIR... SUM 41 AND EVANESCENCE!! WHAT ARE THEY LISTENING TO???!?"

* Laws of Work, #786, AKA: "First Rule of Ironic Inverted Response to Workload": Someone asking you to do 100 things when you're busy ALL DAY is 100 times LESS annoying than someone asking you to do ONE tiny little thing when you're completely bored and looking out the window. "OH COME ON!!!! THIS GUY WANTS ME TO BRING HIM A FILE!!!! RIGHT WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO GET MY FIFTH CUP OF COFFEE!!!! COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

* Regarding the bathroom stalls at work: I'd love to know who the geniuses are who keep leaving their ten page "book reports" (or whatever the hell they are) in the slot for disposable toilet seat covers. (A) I don't want to read that garbage and (B) They can't carry it five feet to the garbage can when they come out of the stall?

* Have you noticed that whenever someone else starts singing "Happy Birthday" and you try to join in that it's always in some insane key you would never sing it? "What the hell is this? A Flat??? Come ON!!! I'm a C sharp man..."

* 16th Law of Pop Music Irony, subset axiom f: Every huge band that suffers a backlash and is decried as supremely uncool will eventually (after a period that is 9.5 times the length of their chart reign) be re-evaluated and hailed as "cool" again by hipsters and original fans alike.

* ‎100 % true story: My girlfriend and I just had a fierce debate over whether OJ should have no pulp or a little bit of pulp. I was on the side of no pulp, and it went something like this: "No pulp!" "A little bit of pulp!" "No pulp!" "A little bit of pulp!" Finally I had to say, "What we have here is clearly a case of pulp friction."

* Culinary Mysteries: (1) Cereal tastes better when cold milk dribbles down your chin. (2) PB&J sandwiches taste better cut in half. (3) Yogurt tastes better in a single-serve cup rather than scooped from a tub. (4) Revenge is a dish best served cold, maybe with a side of lightly steamed veggies, and preferably a red wine.

Coffee Grinds, Part 3

* It's rumored that there is actually a man in Halifax, Nova Scotia, who DOESN'T like Sara Lee. However, sources say he died last week under "mysterious" circumstances involving 784 pounds of icing and a cake beater.


* It's official: There are now more FB "fan pages" (or "like" pages) than there are protons in the known universe. I think even "I like to mix my shampoo with water to get more out of the bottle" has a page. (I'm afraid to check.)


* Speaking of Facebook, I think we should have "like" and "dislike" buttons in real life. "Hi, would you like to go out with me?" DISLIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Hi, would you mind working a few extra hours tonight?" DISLIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


* Here's a tip: Whenever you see excessive question marks in a youtube video title (e.g., "Hot chick makes out with my girlfriend??"), the answer is always a resounding "NO - she didn't."


* I was watching Paul McCartney playing at the White House on TV last night, and I was thinking that for every single song in the Beatles catalog, there's a band who built a whiole career out of imitating that ONE SONG.


* I'm like "The Situation" on "Jersey Shore" - from now on, I want to be called "The Predicament" because my feet are "the predicament." (Hell, it makes as much sense as naming yourself "The Situation" after your abs.)


* Do you think that when the guitarist playing on the "Law and Order Theme" plays the slinky, BEYOOOOON-BEEEEEHHHHHNNNN part that his face get all scrunched up and contorted - you know, the "blues" face?


* I cursed one candle rather than light the darkness.


* Classmates.com is one step away from coming to your house and begging you to log on to their site.


* I really think that Taco Bell should streamline things and just have you order based on what kind of bathroom experience you're going to have 6 hours after you eat. "Let's see - I'll have one 'porcelain roller coaster' ... and uh, let me have a '5-flusher Fiesta'... and, hmmmm. OH! I'll also take a side order of 'OH MY GOD, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' and let my wife have an 'Are you all right in there?' special. No, that'll be all... thanks!"


* Someone tell Jesus to stop eating all the damn Doritos. I don't care if he can heal the blind, they're my damn Doritos.

Coffee Grinds, Part One

You know what it's like when you're drinking a nice, hot, soothing cup of java and then suddenly you get a big old mouthful of greasy, nasty coffee grinds? And you know what it's like when you end up spitting the coffee out all over the place because you're completely revolted? And then the coffee gets on your boss' shiny 5000 dollar Armani suit, and he gets so mad that he tosses you out of a plate glass window from 30 stories up, causing your body to tumble like one of those oh-so-obvious movie mannequins, but it's not a mannequin, it's really you, and you end up smashing headlong into the hood of a taxi cab driven by someone who just made a pithy comment about things falling from the sky, and then the taxi's horn starts blaring endlessly as horrified onlookers scream and scramble at the sight of your crumpled, useless, heap? You know what that's like?


Yeah, you know how much that sucks.


Well, that's what this new ongoing entry is all about (the coffee grinds part, not the smashing into a cab part); this is all the nasty sludge, coffee residue and left-over stuff that we found at the bottom of the NiteOwlz pots after a long day of brewing up the finest blogs anywhere on the web. In other words, these are some of the random odds and ends that we couldn't fit anywhere else and so we deicided to dump them here.


We know that many of you are accustomed to the finest "coffee" we have to offer, but who knows? SOMEONE might enjoy this stuff. After all, aren't there people who drink coffee out of a civet's ass? Hey, one man's nasty, oily grinds is another man's delicious cup of wild-animal feces.


So, here it is: part one of the stuff we scraped off the bottom of the cup... YUM!

• Why don't they make saliva-flavored gum? Then it would never run out of flavor.


• Whenever my friends think I'm daydreaming they say, "Hello, Earth to NiteOwl, HELLO??? EARTH TO NITEOWL!" I never answer though, because I know they don't work for NASA.


• Sometimes the operator asks me for the "correct spelling" of my name. Huhn? Did someone tell her I have a history of misspelling my own name? Just for kicks I like to put the phone down and yell, "Hey BOB! How do you spell my name again?"


• When people get "drawn and quartered," I'll bet the percentages don't usually work out.


• Why does the trouble-shooting guide seem to have only two categories of suggestions: (a) so-obvious-you'd-have-to-be-an-utter-moron-not-to-think-of-it-yourself, and (b) PHD  in engineering from Starfleet Academy.


• News Flash: Satirical newspaper makes headline out of mundane activity that's kind of silly but people do it everyday without thinking.


• Lesson learned: Never use an electric razor on a beard made of bees.


• Have you ever been at a rock concert and everyone's bopping their heads like they're REALLY into the music? And then a second later you think, "I can't be the only one here who realizes this band really sucks, can I?"


• Commericalitis: A rare disease often portrayed on medical dramas, this dreaded affliction causes inpatients to suddenly manifest new and disturbing symptoms that signal an impending commercial break.


• I had a really bad nightmare: I dreamt my dream-catcher was trying to kill me.


*A little piece of your soul dies the first time you see an ice cream truck filling up in a gas station. That's when you first realize they actually run on gas, not fairy dust and flower petals thrown into the tank by elves. For me, that moment was last week.


*Enough with "Cheers." If you're not British, I don't wanna hear it; it doesn't confer an aura of class upon you. In fact, it only makes you sound like a pretentious "arse." Sort of like the word "confer."


• It's weird to think that the entire animal kingdom is completely and utterly oblivious to the way they've been used as characters in thousands and thousands of cartoons.


• Speaking of which, do you think real ducks would be pissed if they knew about Donald Duck and Daffy Duck? I'll bet real ducks aren't all assholes, and many of them probably have perfect diction. For a duck, that is.


*Facebook, circa 2017: A frightening, bleak, post-apocalyptic future where all the good quizzes and "gifts" have been done... leaving only stuff like, "Which Pauly Shore Movie Are You?"; "How Well Do you Know 1930's Lace Doilies?" (CanYou Beat NiteOwl's Score of 0.0???); and "NiteOwl sent you some coasters with Paul Stanley's face on them. Click here to see!"


*I'm getting tired of the media trying to promote corporate product by telling me someone has "made a comeback" before they're actually, you know, MADE a comeback.
 

• The universe is completely indifferent to our pain and suffering. On the other hand, reality TV producers are not.