Wednesday, June 4, 2008

News Flash: Spielberg Refuses to Concede


In a shocking turn of events (although not as shocking as what Miranda’s husband did, OMFG), Steven Spielberg gave a vague yet impassioned speech early this morning thanking everyone who went to see Indiana Jones this past weekend, while failing to concede Sex and the City’s box office triumph over the aging archaeologist.

Speaking in Johnny Funkmeyer’s mother’s basement to a room full of zealous, equally-aging fanboys, some decked out in full Indiana Jones garb, Spielberg made a series of triumphant statements about the box office success of “Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull,” even though it got pulverized in its second week by the debut of a movie actually featuring Sarah Jessica Parker in a prominent role.

“A man came up to me yesterday,” Spielberg solemnly intoned as a somber hush fell upon the crowd. “Well, actually, he was more of a man-child, but nonetheless, he came up to me with tears in his eyes,” Spielberg continued. “He said, ‘Mr. Spielberg, what are you going to DO to ensure that I don’t have to watch four shallow women shrieking about nothing for two hours, while they rhapsodize for the umpteenth-billionth time about the way sex is like buying shoes? What are you going to do to ensure that I get to see Harrison Ford punch the fear of God into some Commies this weekend?’

“My friends,” Spielberg whispered, “that is an America I do not want to live in. You know, the one where people can actually approach me on the street and talk to me.”

“Sex and the City” made 57 million this past weekend, while “Indiana Jones” slipped to second place with 46 million. Despite the final weekend tally released on Monday, Spielberg continued to speak as though the numbers were still rolling in. “I say we will not stop until every ticket stub is counted,” the acclaimed director exclaimed to the frenzied crowd. “What about the art theaters which have to show a big blockbuster now and then just to keep themselves from being turned into an IHOP? Did we count all those stubs? You can’t keep a theater in business when all you show is ‘La Bonne (The Maid)’ for God’s sake.” Spielberg’s comments prompted the crowd to raise their fedoras in approval and chant, “Indiana! Indiana! Indiana!”

Ultimately, Spielberg left the door open to a double-bill featuring both “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” and “Sex & the City,” which some analysts have dubbed the “dream ticket,” especially for every aging nerd who somehow managed to con a woman into marrying his pathetic ass.