Thursday, August 25, 2011

Grinds, #1: The Transparent Bid to Boost Sales with a Pointless Reboot and a Snappier, Shorter, "Cooler" Name

* I want a car that's shaped like a blue triangle - so it'll match the little pointer thing on my GPS.

* Speaking of the GPS, when it hasn't been updated and it doesn't know there's a road where I'm driving, I like to look at the little arrow spinning around on a black screen and pretend I'm either (a) 4-wheeling though the woods while campers scream and run for their lives, or (b) on a lost spaceship travelling through the negative zone where there are no stars for millions of light years.

* Newsflash: After issuing a statement that this month's cover photo of Michele Bachmann is not unflattering, Newsweek released a sneak preview of next week's cover, which seems to feature an ailing Alan Greenspan. Oops, sorry, it's Heidi Klum.

* I'm glad that no one has those "baby on board" signs in their car windows anymore. Now I can slam into people with gleeful abandon safe in the knowledge that no infants will be harmed.

* You know things are getting out of hand when Woody Allen movies start getting released in Imax 3-D.

* My plan as a musician is not to create anything meaningful or lasting or important; my plan is that 25 years from now a sudden surge of random nostalgia will kick in and everyone will think I'm alot better than I am, just because they heard me while out on their first date or the first time they made french toast or something. THEN I'll cash in on the never-ending parade of boxsets and deluxe remasters!

* I'm angry, because the salesman SAID he was selling me the whole kit and kaboodle, but when I got home I discovered it was only the whole sha-bang. At least it wasn't the whole 9 yards, then I would have been really mad. Especially since I was buying rulers.

* Saw a commercial this morning in which 2 cheerleaders (via bad special effects) literally catapult a third cheerleader over an orbiting space shuttle! A tiny disclaimer at the bottom said - I'm not lying - "Do not attempt." Thank god they stopped me. ‎"I think we can make it this time guys... if we try just a LITTLE HARDER... here we GO... HUMMMMMMMMMMMMPH!!!!! Ah, damn. Still a few million miles short."

* Here's a game I never understood: Flashlight tag. How do you win? I don't think Carl Lewis in his prime could have done it. "HA HA! I GOTCHA!" "Aw, sh*t! I couldn't outrun a beam of light... I suck!"

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