Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Nothing Changes on New Year's Day: Bono Still Sucks

New Year’s Eve is upon us so here are 15 random musings and fun factoids (the curiously strong facts) for you to chew on. Dig in!

1) Do you ever wonder if people like your boss and George Bush make resolutions to be even BIGGER a-wipes in the coming year? History seems to support this theory.

2) It’s often said that on January 1st, one out of every four motorists on the road after midnight is legally drunk. What they never tell you is that the other three are high on crack.

3) I wish I had a time travel machine so I could travel to the year 2111 and see how the hell they make funny glasses out of THOSE numbers.

4) Speaking of the “New Year’s glasses,” wouldn’t it be great to actually get a prescription filled using the “2008” frame? Then you could wear it all year long, just in case anyone you know forgets what year it is. And you could say something witty like, “Why, it’s as plain as the nose on my face!” which I’m sure would leave everyone in stitches each time you uttered it. Not only that, it would come in handy whenever an alien from the future pops in unexpectedly and wants to know what year it is. It would save a lot of chit-chat, ya know?

5) Fun fact: They say the people standing in Times Square actually pee on the street sometimes because they can’t get to a rest room. And if you think that’s scary, it’s even worse on New Year’s Eve!

6) Interesting fact: Musicologists believe that several bars of actual rock and roll music were played on “Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve” in the years 1987, 1990 AND 1994! (This was, of course, in between performances by Escape Club, Milli Vanilli, and The Gin Blossoms, respectively.)

7) I feel bad for Dick Clark, I really do, but aren’t you glad you don’t have to hear any more stupid broadcasters making tired jokes about how “ageless” he is?

8) On New Year’s Eve, I find it oddly poetic that the world is pitch black outside at the precise moment we raise our glasses and toast the future.

9) Fun fact: Contrary to popular belief, the year 2008 is technically part of the 90’s!

10) Don’t you hate when you invite someone over for New Year’s and the person won’t commit because he/she is clearly holding out for a better offer, but doesn’t want to tell you that? For example, last year I got this one: “Oh, I want to be there, but I have to see how I feel. My treatments tend to take a lot out of me, and sometimes I’m too weak to drive my car.” Hey, if you don’t wanna come to my party, just say so man. Don’t JERK ME AROUND!!!!

11) You ever wonder why they’re called resolutions? It’s because it’s a problem you should have come up with a solution for last year, but you were too lazy or too stupid to do it, so now you have to try again.

12) I still haven’t gotten used to calling this decade the “naught-ies” or the “none-ties.” I don't think I ever will. And the "teens" or "the ten-sies" is gonna be even worse.

13) Fun fact: Auld Lang Syne roughly translates to: “Boy, I hope everyone around me is too drunk to realize how off-key I really am.”

14) Fun fact: There are 278 verses to Auld Lang Syne, but most people only know the first 108. Usually, they’re too drunk to remember singing anything other than the first one. Also, the song is really about the establishment of the first official Satanist Church in 1969.

15) If you wanted to shoot someone, I think New Year’s Eve would be a great time to do it, preferably right around midnight. Most people would think you were probably opening a loud bottle of champagne, or setting off a cherry bomb in your living room to entertain some guests. Plus, if a stranger caught you dragging the body to your car, you could always say, “WOW! My friend SURE overdid it tonight! WOOOO!” and make a drinking motion with your free hand.

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