Tuesday, December 18, 2007

American Idol Lessons, Part 2

As Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis continue to pollute the airwaves with their new CD's this month, I thought we'd take a continuing look at some of the things I've learned from both watching American Idol and frequenting American Idol message boards, two activities I would not recommend to anyone without a strong grip on their own sanity.

Lessons Learned from American Idol, Part 2:

16) After making fun of someone's weight mercilessly, she becomes "our own so-and-so" once she goes on to win a golden globe and an Oscar.

17) Live (the band) was a lot more influential than you thought.

18) What hair products Blake Lewis uses is suitable news fodder for the "serious" news program that follows American Idol in your local market.

19) As long as your private parts are covered, then it's not possible for a pose to be suggestive. (From the American Idol boards)

20) If you just came in second place, it's great manners to tell the winner on national tv, "MAYBE WE'LL COMPETE ON THE CHARTS!" rather than letting the champion have their moment of victory.

21) The TV GUIDE CHANNEL can save you from a life of cooking french fries.

22) The best way to move musical artistry forward is by mimicking the trends and styles of artists who were generally regarded as hacks even 30 years ago.

23) If you glare at the camera like you just lost a member of your platoon in 'Nam, people will think you're "edgy" and "intense" and that you "rock," even if you're singing a song made popular by Celine Dion.

24) Any song recorded after 1991 is "edgy."

25) If you have more than 2 drops of color in your hair that is not a natural hair color, you must be "edgy" and have that "little wild thing going on" as well.

26) It's really, really happening to wear a suit jacket/ t-shirt combo 790 days in a row if you're the host of AI. Score extra points if you wear the t-shirt of a band that wouldn't be caught dead letting their songs appear on AI.

27) It's totally ok to be patronizing to people who just had their dreams crushed, as long as they're clueless and/or unattractive, and you're a happening tv host with gelled hair and a pre-selected wardrobe who acts really "concerned."

28) Rude, pretentious, callous, pompous, insensitive behavior is called “being right” or “telling it like it is” when you’re a British 40-something commenting on music he can't possibly hope to understand.

29) Middle-aged housewives have no lives. Ever. No matter what. (From the AI boards)

30) If you suggest a photo of an Idol may be in questionable taste, and possibly inappropriate for a younger fan base, then you must also be in favor of burning the Constitution.

31) If you sing a standard that has been around for almost 70 years, you are automatically copying off the person who sang it most recently.

32) If you can't come up with anything resembling a good song, throw more and more gospel singers on stage. At least 5,000 or so. Have them sway and move around a lot, and be sure to change keys a couple of times. Add balloons and confetti, then cross your fingers and pray to Clive Davis that no one notices your song blows.

33) Aliens abducted Rod Stewart and Elton John and erased their memories of who they were and what they did before 1975.

34) Since the AI producers hold chart success in such high regard, we can fully expect future contestants to be mentored by the likes of Carl Douglas ("Kung Fu Fighting"), Rick Dees ("Disco Duck"), and the surviving member of Milli Vanilli.

35) Making the disclaimer, "These people know what they're going into" gives you carte blanche to be as morally repugnant toward another human being as you can possibly be.

One month to go!

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