* My idea for a detective show: A mother who has a hit cooking program and her chef daughter who runs a restaurant get involved in murder cases and decide to open a detective agency on the side - It's called "Hard Boiled." (as in "hard boiled detectives.") Okay, it's not the best.
* Aren't you tired of people walking around at work with (just) t-shirts, shorts, sneakers and no socks? Okay, I dress "casual," but there's a difference between "casual" and DRESSED LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO A GODDAMN PHISH CONCERT.
* If someone at Nick Jr. or Cartoon Network or Disney isn't developing an animated series called "Baby Gaga - The Young Adventures of Lady Gaga" then someone's not doing their job.
* I just traversed the fabled "Perilous Gauntlet of Trying to Avoid Eye Contact with Strangers" - otherwise known as the excessively narrow hallways at work.
* THE PERFECT SONG: After years of research - across hundreds of cultures and social strata - a top team of MRI specialists, biologists, neurologists, psychologists and physiologists have scientifically proven that the human brain recognizes one series of pitches as the perfect melody - and it belongs to "Tarzan Boy" by Baltimora. After announcing their findings, they killed themselves in a mass suicide pact.
* Modern-Day Afflictions, #478 - Acute Green-Recyclo-Complex:- The paralyzing fear that someone will spot you putting your empty carton of apple juice in the wrong recycling bin because you can't figure out which of 46 garbage cans is the right one to put it in to, or, even worse, that they'll spot you giving up and running into the bathroom where the cannisters have no marking for recycling.
* Here's an argument that never seems to persuade me: "Well, they said the same thing when we were kids, and LOOK AT ME, I turned out FINE!!!"
* Which do you suppose is ugliest: a face that could stop a clock, a face made for radio, or a face only a mother could love?
* 311th Law of Pop Music, sub-dictum k: Approximately 47.6 percent of all pop songs you hear and immediately go, "GOD! This song SUCKS!!!" are the same songs that, in three weeks time, you will be telling anyone who'll listen, "You KNOW, this song has REALLY grown on ME!" as you play drums on your steering wheel and crank it loud enough to render people deaf three counties away.
* Just think - 5 years ago, before I had a facebook account, I would have had to make it through the entire day WITHOUT knowing what that guy I worked with at Pizza Hut for three weeks in 1986 is having for lunch today. I shudder just thinking about it...
* Actually, THIS is the alternate universe.
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Monday, June 27, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Coffee Grinds, Part IV (In Which We Fight the Russian Coffee in a Taste Challenge)
Another generous serving of random gunk scraped from the bottom of our ever-brewin' coffee pots!
* Things that Puzzle Me, #237: The filmmakers who think a dubious pedigree will entice me to rent their latest lame movie... "From the Co-Producers of 'Furry Vengeance' and one of the writers of "Sorority Boys 2" comes... TOTAL S**TFEST!!!!" Yeah, I'm all over that.
* There will never be a "next Beatles" (or Michael Jackson, or Elvis, or whoever) until people realize the "next Beatles" wouldn't sound LIKE the Beatles.
* I love the pitter patter of the rain on the windows... It means the neighbors won't hear me stealing stuff from their toolshed.
* If we were all brains in jars, people would start worrying who had the biggest, shiniest jar and wondering if they could have work done on their saggy frontal lobe.
* I'm sorry, but this is is what we'll be doing for the time being. I always do things for the Time Being, because I'm afraid he'll cast us back into ancient Rome where we'd have to fight to the death like gladiators or something.
* I was thinking today how awesome it would be if obituaries were honest: "Marty Shnookmeyer died today. He was a real a-hole and most people won't miss him. And he owes me 50 bucks."
* You know you're old when you go to complain how bad music is "nowadays" and you single out bands that hasn't even been considered "nowadays" since like 2004, at the latest. "GOD, THESE KIDS WITH THEIR... THEIR... SUM 41 AND EVANESCENCE!! WHAT ARE THEY LISTENING TO???!?"
* Laws of Work, #786, AKA: "First Rule of Ironic Inverted Response to Workload": Someone asking you to do 100 things when you're busy ALL DAY is 100 times LESS annoying than someone asking you to do ONE tiny little thing when you're completely bored and looking out the window. "OH COME ON!!!! THIS GUY WANTS ME TO BRING HIM A FILE!!!! RIGHT WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO GET MY FIFTH CUP OF COFFEE!!!! COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
* Regarding the bathroom stalls at work: I'd love to know who the geniuses are who keep leaving their ten page "book reports" (or whatever the hell they are) in the slot for disposable toilet seat covers. (A) I don't want to read that garbage and (B) They can't carry it five feet to the garbage can when they come out of the stall?
* Have you noticed that whenever someone else starts singing "Happy Birthday" and you try to join in that it's always in some insane key you would never sing it? "What the hell is this? A Flat??? Come ON!!! I'm a C sharp man..."
* 16th Law of Pop Music Irony, subset axiom f: Every huge band that suffers a backlash and is decried as supremely uncool will eventually (after a period that is 9.5 times the length of their chart reign) be re-evaluated and hailed as "cool" again by hipsters and original fans alike.
* 100 % true story: My girlfriend and I just had a fierce debate over whether OJ should have no pulp or a little bit of pulp. I was on the side of no pulp, and it went something like this: "No pulp!" "A little bit of pulp!" "No pulp!" "A little bit of pulp!" Finally I had to say, "What we have here is clearly a case of pulp friction."
* Culinary Mysteries: (1) Cereal tastes better when cold milk dribbles down your chin. (2) PB&J sandwiches taste better cut in half. (3) Yogurt tastes better in a single-serve cup rather than scooped from a tub. (4) Revenge is a dish best served cold, maybe with a side of lightly steamed veggies, and preferably a red wine.
* Things that Puzzle Me, #237: The filmmakers who think a dubious pedigree will entice me to rent their latest lame movie... "From the Co-Producers of 'Furry Vengeance' and one of the writers of "Sorority Boys 2" comes... TOTAL S**TFEST!!!!" Yeah, I'm all over that.
* There will never be a "next Beatles" (or Michael Jackson, or Elvis, or whoever) until people realize the "next Beatles" wouldn't sound LIKE the Beatles.
* I love the pitter patter of the rain on the windows... It means the neighbors won't hear me stealing stuff from their toolshed.
* If we were all brains in jars, people would start worrying who had the biggest, shiniest jar and wondering if they could have work done on their saggy frontal lobe.
* I'm sorry, but this is is what we'll be doing for the time being. I always do things for the Time Being, because I'm afraid he'll cast us back into ancient Rome where we'd have to fight to the death like gladiators or something.
* I was thinking today how awesome it would be if obituaries were honest: "Marty Shnookmeyer died today. He was a real a-hole and most people won't miss him. And he owes me 50 bucks."
* You know you're old when you go to complain how bad music is "nowadays" and you single out bands that hasn't even been considered "nowadays" since like 2004, at the latest. "GOD, THESE KIDS WITH THEIR... THEIR... SUM 41 AND EVANESCENCE!! WHAT ARE THEY LISTENING TO???!?"
* Laws of Work, #786, AKA: "First Rule of Ironic Inverted Response to Workload": Someone asking you to do 100 things when you're busy ALL DAY is 100 times LESS annoying than someone asking you to do ONE tiny little thing when you're completely bored and looking out the window. "OH COME ON!!!! THIS GUY WANTS ME TO BRING HIM A FILE!!!! RIGHT WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO GET MY FIFTH CUP OF COFFEE!!!! COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
* Regarding the bathroom stalls at work: I'd love to know who the geniuses are who keep leaving their ten page "book reports" (or whatever the hell they are) in the slot for disposable toilet seat covers. (A) I don't want to read that garbage and (B) They can't carry it five feet to the garbage can when they come out of the stall?
* Have you noticed that whenever someone else starts singing "Happy Birthday" and you try to join in that it's always in some insane key you would never sing it? "What the hell is this? A Flat??? Come ON!!! I'm a C sharp man..."
* 16th Law of Pop Music Irony, subset axiom f: Every huge band that suffers a backlash and is decried as supremely uncool will eventually (after a period that is 9.5 times the length of their chart reign) be re-evaluated and hailed as "cool" again by hipsters and original fans alike.
* 100 % true story: My girlfriend and I just had a fierce debate over whether OJ should have no pulp or a little bit of pulp. I was on the side of no pulp, and it went something like this: "No pulp!" "A little bit of pulp!" "No pulp!" "A little bit of pulp!" Finally I had to say, "What we have here is clearly a case of pulp friction."
* Culinary Mysteries: (1) Cereal tastes better when cold milk dribbles down your chin. (2) PB&J sandwiches taste better cut in half. (3) Yogurt tastes better in a single-serve cup rather than scooped from a tub. (4) Revenge is a dish best served cold, maybe with a side of lightly steamed veggies, and preferably a red wine.
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